I put my iPod on and stared at my feet as I sat on the locker room bench. I wished they would move themselves, go work hard through no effort of my own then bring my sweaty endorphin filled body back to the bench. Where my real self sat. Wasting time.
That's not how it works (fortunately or I'd be out of business) so I waved 'bye' to my super clients of whom had already finished their hell workout, their daily non-questioned routine, and I stood up. Then sat back down. And started crying. My life's a f***ing mess.
I have a fridge magnet that says "when you're going through hell.....keep going." Makes sense. It just so happens that I've been in a hell period. But 'going' seemed more like 'moving mountains' today. And cliche proverbs were just plain irritating on top of everything else irritating.
But fortunately the right song on my ipod moved my feet down to the stationary bike. The familiar pain in my ass that arose almost instantly from the totally inappropriate seat, both literal and proverbial, was strangely comforting. Gotta love ass pain. Something to let you know youre alive. As my skin moistened, I admit, my anxiety began to relax it's knuckles. Still- I wasn't warmed up yet, my legs felt like shit, my heart seemed to beat irregular, and my other heart.....my other heart was broken and spilling pieces all over the disgruntled categories of my life. F'ing waaaaah.
I had such a circus of self pity surrounding me I even grossed MYSELF out. Fortunately I don't remain TKO for long. I waved bye to my scattered heart and surrendered to an undeniable truth....fretting over the bullshit in life that's uncontrollable is useless. Especially at the gym. Obviously the new bike provoked oxygen to my brain was doing me well and I became epiphone stricken with this: This was MY hour to work on MY wellness and the fungus that is life's drama is no longer welcome.
Turning over the pedals started feeling easier. Seemingly large issues in my life such as my roller coaster relationship, my sons behavior, and my hamster wheel marathon schedule started to get pushed out of the picture. I did my best to re-frame. In the picture...in the front of my mind....I placed my body.....and nothing else. One thing only on which to focus.
Feeling each individual muscle group at work, my new awareness brought me off the bike and to the weights. For 5 min I will worry not about my finances, but about my latissimus dorsi. After that 10 min will go to not my arguments at home, but to my legs, then another 10 will kick out worries of my sons development and welcome swim specific core and upper body training.
I was an emotionless machine of physical productivity. My normal multitasking, idea manifesting, worrying, scheduling, time wasting mind stepped out. Thank f'ing god. For she was entirely way too busy with useless crap apparently to handle the real business. My alter ego (I shall call her badassbitcha) saved my day. And lots of time from a germy locker room bench.
One item at a time, with no personal afflictions allowed, I not only got through my workout, but I felt as we all do after dragging ourselves out of bed, so proud. My issues still felt small and my day a lot less grim.
I categorized myself 'super' with my clients whom come daily and check their emotions at the door. I know very well everyone has garbage in their lives acting as a veritable quick sand keeping us from a wellness routine. Thank you for staying afloat. Thank you for your 'other' less emotional and more gritty 'self'. See you next week No matter what.
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